I try to describe a “click” that
happened that night in the hospital. But
that’s not all it was. I think – as
strange as this sounds – that a huge part of my healing and determination and
hopefulness comes from the glucose meter.
This tiny machine which I poke my finger with 6 times a day is the most
powerful tool I’ve ever had in my life.
It gives me information…immediate feedback on what is going on inside me
that tells me how my body – my machine – is operating. I get a result of under 100 in the morning
and it’s a scientific, indisputable fact that my body is normal and humming
along just as it should. It’s a
wonderful result and I feel confident and proud and affirmed. I’m doing well. I am making the right choices.
I test my blood 2 hours after a meal
and I see a reading under 120 and I know that I have successfully stayed under national
guidelines, have achieved my endocrinologist's more stringent guidelines and I
know – with a reliable, accurate, scientific assurance, that my body – this
machine – is operating at peak sugar efficiency. I am doing well. No harm being done. All systems green. Jodie Foster in Contact…I am “ok to go," I am “ok to go." Doesn’t matter if I’m shaking, nervous,
unsure of what the future holds. All I
know is I have a green light, all readings are normal and I am ok to go. Ok to go.
I write down my readings throughout
the day. Every single day. My sheets of paper are attached to a clip
board on my health desk. I scan them
occasionally, the same way my eyes pass over the inspirational quotes on my
“garbage bag” and framed pictures and magnets and buttons on display. All of it is like the dashboard near my pilot's seat…a panel of controls and mirrors and dials and information all designed to
keep me operating at my peak.
A glucose meter is nothing like a
scale. For one thing a scale just
measures bulk. The meter is actually
analyzing blood from inside and is so sensitive and deadly accurate. It provides readings throughout the day and
night, every day and every night, and I can see the changes as I eat a little too
much bread or exercise for an extra 10 minutes, or add a swim to my daily
routine. I see the impact of choosing an
apple over strawberries. I see what my
body likes and operates best on.
Knowledge is power. Absolute
knowledge is absolute power.
I wonder how my life would have been
different if I’d had this power and information years ago. I wonder if I’d been given a glucose meter
when I was 8 years old in third grade with a safety pin holding my skirt closed
– I wonder if that would have changed things for me.
The wonder and delight of seeing the
difference in blood sugar before and after 15 minutes on a treadmill is nothing
short of exhilarating. I did that! Just by getting on that machine, I changed my
blood chemistry! Talk about
empowerment! And if I’d been able to
measure my blood sugar at age 10 before and after a package of yodels…what kind of impact
would that have made?
All my life I knew that I shouldn’t
eat sweets, that I should lose weight and exercise. One of the “funny stories” that my mother
repeatedly told people (in front of me) was how I just never wanted to go
outside and play. “She just reads and
reads,” my mother would say with a laugh.
“One day I told her that it was ridiculous for her to be inside reading
on a beautiful Sunday afternoon and that she had to go outside. An hour later I looked out the window into
the back yard and there she was sitting in the yard reading.” Ha Ha Ha…she and whoever she was talking to
would laugh and laugh.
Oh, the feelings that rise like bile
as I write this down…even now, so many years later, it still stings. From my adult perspective I can’t help but
wonder why she didn’t come outside with me?
If my parents thought it was so important for me to get fresh air and
exercise, why did they stay inside reading while sending me out? And why did they laugh about it and treat it
as a funny, exasperating story rather than actually talk with me about why it
was so important for my health? Or were
they even thinking about my health?
Maybe it was just that kids were supposed to want to go outside to play
so they were stymied by my reluctance or preference for sitting indoors
reading?
I knew I was the slowest and least
able kid in gym class – always. But no
one – not a gym teacher, not a doctor, not a parent, not an adult friend – no
one ever really talked to me about why I needed to make different choices about
food and exercise. No one ever talked to
me about the power I had over my body.
And that – together with being an incest
victim – contributed to my feeling completely powerless. And submitting to denial, pretense, and
despair. Alone and ignorant. Feeling as though I had no choice, I had no
options, nothing I would ever do would matter.
But it turns out that every single
thing I do matters. Every bite I put
into my mouth actually matters. Every
single step I take actually matters. And
my glucose meter measures those things and reinforces what I’ve learned with
immediate, clear proof.
Every child should have the chance
to see “inside” their own machine and be given enough information so they
know how to drive their bodies towards the most health they can achieve. I truly believe that this tiny machine could
change children's, change people’s lives.
What’s interesting to me is how
resistant people are to using one. As if getting that information would be so
terrifying because it is possible it would be bad.
I understand. That’s how I used to feel about getting any
test results or going to the doctor or dentist for anything. I didn’t want to know because I was terrified
of hearing bad news.
But if my blood sugar is high it
just means I need to delay eating, change when or what my next meal includes, or
adjust my medicine slightly. It tells me
that something I ate wasn’t a good match for my body, or the amount of carbs was
greater than I expected. Important
things for me to know. Because once I
know them I can adjust accordingly and get my system back to normal
quickly. And very, very soon it’s a
go. It’s a go. I’m cleared for health and take off.
One morning my battery died in my
glucose meter and I literally panicked.
Not being able to know my blood sugar was an awful feeling. I had no idea if it was going high or how
high and no way of steering myself through my day. It was only a couple of hours until I had a
new battery and was using it again, but that window of flying blind was a
reminder of how ignorance is not bliss.
Information is what makes me happy, what gives me hope, what gives me
incentive, and what makes me feel powerful.
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